Been Awhile....

The past month has been a true version of a roller coaster. Everything from realizing the true meaning of friendship, realizing that anything that needs to be done I can in fact do it, to realizing that the person I thought I was in love with was really a play on my emotions to use me for they needed and in fact I’m not sure they ever really had any true feelings for me at all. A lot of lessons I’m sure I’ve already learned before but yet alas I must learn them again and I’m sure I’ll still learn them another time. The human body and brain is just amazing…it’s really truly amazing what we can talk ourselves into and out of without even thinking twice, without any rational, and without any true thought to your own heart.
A few days after the breakup when I was still really struggling I found myself talking to a new friend. Someone who has become a great person in my life but has yet to learn my past history therefore I knew the judgment I was receiving was “pure” as to my life. The question I was asked was the following: “Is Your Relationship Really Worth Fighting For?” As I sat there and thought about it I could tell my answer wasn’t needed anymore because the silence that followed was my answer. It was my “Unanswered Prayer” – that silence bridged the gap between my heart and my head and made me realize that he wasn’t me. He wasn’t what I stood for and he wasn’t what I needed in my life to continue. He’s a great friend and I’m sure someday we will be back to that point but right now – I’m okay. I’m standing on my own feet and I’m getting sleep at night and I’m following the dreams that I’ve had since I was a child. I’m doing alone. I’m doing it alone so that I can prove to myself as well as be proud of my accomplishments. It takes two people to work on a problem and when one person doesn’t want to put the effort into saving it or working on it then it’s a lost cause and you just have to accept it and be okay with what it is for what it is. The truth is even if we stayed together or got back together things wouldn’t have been the same because the damage had already been done.
“You deserve to be happy, no one person has the power to make or take your happiness. Only you control your happiness.”

I spent a lot of time getting back to me. Remember who I was and what I stood for and that required sometime in the library, a place I love and lose track of time in but rarely spend time at. While I was there I picked up a book with an article “When Fear Runs Your Life”. The article dealt with Anxiety and Fear and I realized that even though they talked about specific examples…I had examples of my own so I made a list of my own fears to learn from and build from. Here is an excerpt from the article “Fear is real when there is real danger, but most fears are created from within. One may have had a nervous reaction to a certain stimulus, event or action, which creates the fear. Fears are created when you cannot let go of the past response and the thoughts surrounding them.” It’s a very true statement. I’ve constantly lived my life in fear. Fear of letting those close to me down, fear of letting myself down, fear of letting someone (anyone) that is dependent on me down. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t good enough and that I couldn’t do things that everyone else can…and as I thought there reading this article I realized how much that impacts my life in so many different ways. How you perceive yourself in society directly reflects how you perceive yourself at home and heart. My relationships are built on how I see myself looking in a mirror but not what is actually there. They are built on what I think they want from me and not on whom I really am. I’ve always felt a bit like silly putty….I just molds into whatever people need me to be. I never say my true feelings, I never get into arguments that mean anything and I don’t stand up for what in my heart I truly believe as to not go against what people are talking about. Another excerpt from the article: “Everyone on this Earth has the same opportunities as one another. There is not one person better than the other. There are differences in people and the choices they make, but more importantly, Attitudes are different. We are all equal. Even the most successful people have fear, but they did not let fear run their lives in a destructive way, they actually have accepted fears along the way and worked to prove them wrong. We all can do the same.” I have chosen to no longer let fear run my life. I’ve welcomed it and accepted it and have decided to use it to prove MYSELF wrong. Once I start doing that everything else will fall into place.
It’s an amazing feeling really to finally be able to breath and lift off that rock that’s been sitting on your chest you didn’t even know was there because you couldn’t see past it so you didn’t know what you were missing. It’s amazing to wake up and look outside and realize that it’s your home. It’s your life. It’s your destiny and you have the power to choose what you are going to do with it!

Payoff for dad

While I'm paying my mom back for my trip to Florida that I went on I need to go back to paying my dad back for the loan for my vehicle that I bought 3 years ago....yeah I'm a little behind...but I need to get back to it.

He loaned me $7115.00 to put down on my vehicle. So far since then I've only paid him back $260.00 ... PATHETIC ... responsibility I have none apparently.

I have agreed to pay a minimum of $20 a week for the time being...not much but I'm still hoping to get it back on track of at least something and going from there...everyone is talking about the economy and it crashing and living beyond our means and I've begun to see just how far BEYOND my means I really got...it's amazing how much that rug collects when you keep shoving the stuff you don't want to see under it.

So to date I owe him $6855.00

10/03/08 $20.00 $6835.00 PAID
10/10/08 $20.00 $6815.00
10/17/08 $20.00 $6795.00
10/24/08 $20.00 $6775.00
10/31/08 $20.00 $6755.00

At this rate....I'll have paid him back in 6 1/2 years from now LOL .... really need to try and make double payments

Good News/Bad News

So I finally paid off my agreement with CollectCorp out of Arizona for my US Dept of Education Loan. After 6 months of on time payments they have cleared my name from my credit and have redone my debt with the department of education once again supposedly making me elegible to receive US Education loans again if I so choose...

Bad news....I still owe a lot of money.

Principal Balance: $10565.07
Interest: $242.36
Fees (for the previous collectoins): $2630.52
Debt Total: $13437.95

My monthly payments are $125.17 a month...my total bill is 13437.95...so that divided by my month payment and I'll be all done paying it off in oh.....107/108 month (9 years or so) Gotta love an education...

At least the Fees will be paid off in 1-3/4 years and the interest paid off about 2 months after...so in about two years of paying my monthly fee I'll actually start paying on my true loan...man I wish I got all this when I was 18....

Now if I can double up my payment each month I'll be done paying it between 4 or 5 years...

Anyone want to share with me the powerball numbers? I'll share with you...I promise!

Loan Schedule to Pay Back for Disney Trip

I know that I did this in reverse and I am starting to pay back when I'm going on my trip and after and not before...but well I did the best I could...Thankfully I have family that are there for me and help me out whenever they can! It's up to me to pay them back for everything now.

Total Owed to my mom for Trip $930.40

Payoff Schedule:

$930.40 August 2008 (10%) $93.04 PAID
$837.36 September 2008 (20%) $167.47 PAID
$669.89 October 2008 (30%) $200.97
$468.92 November 2008 (40%) $187.57
$281.35 December 2008 (50%) $140.68
$140.68 January 2008 (100%) PAID OFF!!!!

V7KGYP

That is a very important sequence of letters and numbers. It could very well be my future...

Love Autumn!

Stressed? Yeah I'm stressed...but no matter how stressed I am I am reminded that things could always be worse. I'm reminded that every time I look into the eyes of one of my good friends or hear her voice...becuase for her - it's worse. Prayers are uplifted everyday for a good results on the testing. We will know more next week we all hope.

As for me...I struggle daily with my life and where I want it to head and what I want it to do....I just don't know. That drives me crazy too. One day Jason and I are great and making plans for the future and the next day it's like a switch and he forgets that we're in it together...that I'm still here...I don't know I guess it's the guy versus girl thing but it really sucks when I need him and he's not here or to distant in his own world to care. It leaves me feeling abandoned and alone and I take it personal even though he tells me to not.

I wish I could just swim and keep my head above water in the sea of debt...I'm hoping that now that racing is slowing down I'll have a bit more money in my pocket and hopefully if we get to go to NC some decisions are made so I can decide what I need to do...it's the not knowing that drives me crazy!

My financial situation is definitely not getting any easier...the guilt I feel is insurmountable! I need to figure out another job...ASAP - basically just need to get off my ass and except that my free time is going to be limited and so is my sleep.

Going to NC for 12 days in October and have no idea how I'm going to afford it let alone still manage to pay my bills when I get home. Yeah I'm still going with the I'll worry about it then theory...those always work out great for me. NOT. But it's my future and I need to see if I'm going to think it's worth it.

I have a really great deal on a motorcycle I just got to figure out how to swing it...It's totally got my name all over it and yes I know I need one like a hole in the head I can't even afford what I got but would it really be me if I didn't make stupid decisions obsessively?

Jennie & Issac E. Willey Rec. Trail

Went for a walk at lunch today at the park down the street. It's a really small park but one nestled in a quiet neighborhood community full of kids with two baseball fields for all ages (little league and up). Here are some pictures from my walk around the field.

One of my favorite times of year!

Here are the flowers that line the front of my house...while they grow to be incredibly tall and are hard to see past when backing out they are still beautiful blowing in the wind and add a splash of color to my yard!

MONEY!!!

How I hate the need for money....someday someday SOMEDAY i'll be stable enough and make all my payments....

It sucks right now because I can definitely see an end...just can't see how far between here and there it actually is. It's kind of like when you stand on railroad tracks and look down them and you can see the opening at the end between the trees but when you start walking the tracks you realize it's a LOT longer then it first appeared! Yeah that's my financial life...UGH

Add moving into the mix and well there ya have it ... how in the hell am I suppose to accomplish anything with things always popping up...yes dad I know...that's life!

Well at least I have a plan ... or well a plan for the original plan that already had a backup plan...hmm maybe I need to think of a backup for the backup?

Memorial Park Trail

Since last night was such a gorgeous night I took the doggie and went and walked the Memorial Trail here in town. The town has had this new park for over a year now and I've never actually been there. It's really pretty down there so I definitely see myself going back especially since it's right around the block. It's not that big I'm not sure how big it is actually since the map I printed out doesn't have the mileage on it but I took some pictures although it's really hard to do while holding a hound. (ha-ha)

One week till I leave!

Florida here I come...

I can't wait till Sunday though becuase then Jason will be home and I'll have a day with him and racing will be done and then I'll be leaving and my vacation will truly start!

I need to go get a camera card...err I keep forgetting!

Since my financial diet/overhaul has been going so good lately I am hoping to do the same with myself. I need to get back to overhauling my daily living and the process there of.

I weigh'd myself this morning and I was back up to 278! Unacceptable!!!! So I'm putting myself on a kind of diet as well...little percentages and goals at a time!

My first goal is 5% which is 13.9 pounds so we'll just call it 14 pounds...which would bring me down to 264 which is where I was this winter...if I were to do 10% it would be 27.8 so we'll call it 28...but I think that would be too big of a goal for me right now...let's face it ... I'm trying to be honest with myself so once I hit my 14 pounds I'll then target my next 14 pounds and be down to 250 which will make my doc happy that I've gotten down 10% and then start the process over again...I know that it's not going to happen overnight. I'd be stupid to think it would but I can at least give it my best everyday. The weather is perfect out and I have many resources at my fingertips to use...


So first goal is 14 pounds! Starting today 8/21/2008. I've had my LAST sweet tea which is going to make me cry but is doing nothing for my body so it's back to water and hard work I go...

My goal is to reach that 14 pound loss by October 1st. That is about 5 weeks and so it's about 2.5 pounds a week. I know that the national average is one pound a week is good but this is the beginning so it will hopefully come off quicker.......HOPEFULLY. I'll be weigh'ing myself on Thursday mornings to hopefully have my targets reached...

Loan Schedule to Pay Back for Disney Trip

I know that I did this in reverse and I am starting to pay back when I'm going on my trip and after and not before...but well I did the best I could...Thankfully I have family that are there for me and help me out whenever they can! It's up to me to pay them back for everything now.

Total Owed to my mom for Trip $930.40

Payoff Schedule:

$930.40 August 2008 (10%) $93.04 PAID
$837.36 September 2008 (20%) $167.47
$669.89 October 2008 (30%) $200.97
$468.92 November 2008 (40%) $187.57
$281.35 December 2008 (50%) $140.68
$140.68 January 2008 (100%) PAID OFF!!!!

FEELING GOOD!!!

Total (CC#1 CC#2 and JBR) CC Debt left to pay off: $1219.39 …My goal is to get that debt down 20% by September 1^st. That’s a total reduction of CC debt of $244.00. I think I’ll be able to do it. A little at a time. $55 towards my Jewelry bill and $189 total towards my two credit cards…


Paid $55 towards my Jewlery Bill and $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check....(8/1/08)

Paid $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check .... (8/7/08)

Paid $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check ... (8/13/08)

Paid $39 towards CC #1 out of this week's check ... (8/20/08)


I have reached my Credit Card goal for the month of August!!!! 20% of my credit card debt is GONE!

**********************

My goal for my Medical bills is to get three bills paid off by September 1^st. I don’t care which ones but I want three less bills to arrive at my house at that point…I’ll have to figure out which ones they will be so I can put a greater emphasis on them now that I’m getting close to the bottom of my dealings with them.

Medical Bill #1 Total Due $24.00
(Paid $24.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining ZERO!

Medical Bill #2 Total Due $56.63
(Paid $20.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining 36.63
(Paid $36.63 8/13/08) Total Remaining ZERO!

Medical Bill #3 Total Due $108.00
(Paid $28.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining 80.00
(Paid $40.00 8/20/08) Total Remaining 40.00

Sadly those are my three smallest which aren't very big however I have already paid them down greatly...the ones that remain are a lot larger...but getting 3 less bills each month in the mail will be a blessing!!

I have 3 paychecks left for August...that's 116.63 (divided by 3 = 38.87ish a week...)
So next paycheck $36.63 (8/14/08) (bill #2 paid off)
2nd paycheck (8/21/08) $40.00
3rd paycheck (8/28/08) $40.00 (bill #3 paid off and goal met!)

Note: Paid off the 2nd Medical Bill this week and adjusted the remaining bill as I didn't pay on it this week and miscalculated it when I did it last week anyways. But I think we should still be good becuase I'll have one week of no CC Payment to put towards those medical bills....

Total (CC#1 CC#2 and JBR) CC Debt left to pay off: $1219.39 …My goal is to get that debt down 20% by September 1^st. That’s a total reduction of CC debt of $244.00. I think I’ll be able to do it. A little at a time. $55 towards my Jewelry bill and $189 total towards my two credit cards…


Paid $55 towards my Jewlery Bill and $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check....(8/1/08)

Paid $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check .... (8/7/08)

Paid $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check ... (8/13/08)

So far I'm still on track.


I have 39.00 Left to reach my goal for the Month of August. That is entirely reasonable! as long as I don't use it before it's paid off....

*****

My goal for my Medical bills is to get three bills paid off by September 1^st. I don’t care which ones but I want three less bills to arrive at my house at that point…I’ll have to figure out which ones they will be so I can put a greater emphasis on them now that I’m getting close to the bottom of my dealings with them.

Medical Bill #1 Total Due $24.00
(Paid $24.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining ZERO!

Medical Bill #2 Total Due $56.63
(Paid $20.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining 36.63
(Paid $36.63 8/13/08) Total Remaining ZERO!

Medical Bill #3 Total Due $108.00
(Paid $28.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining 80.00

Sadly those are my three smallest which aren't very big however I have already paid them down greatly...the ones that remain are a lot larger...but getting 3 less bills each month in the mail will be a blessing!!

I have 3 paychecks left for August...that's 116.63 (divided by 3 = 38.87ish a week...)
So next paycheck $36.63 (8/14/08) (bill #2 paid off)
2nd paycheck (8/21/08) $40.00
3rd paycheck (8/28/08) $40.00 (bill #3 paid off and goal met!)

Note: Paid off the 2nd Medical Bill this week and adjusted the remaining bill as I didn't pay on it this week and miscalculated it when I did it last week anyways. But I think we should still be good becuase I'll have one week of no CC Payment to put towards those medical bills....

My goal for my Medical bills is to get three bills paid off by September 1^st. I don’t care which ones but I want three less bills to arrive at my house at that point…I’ll have to figure out which ones they will be so I can put a greater emphasis on them now that I’m getting close to the bottom of my dealings with them.

Medical Bill #1 Total Due $24.00
(Paid $24.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining ZERO!

Medical Bill #2 Total Due $56.63
(Paid $20.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining 36.63

Medical Bill #3 Total Due $108.00
(Paid $28.00 8/7/08) Total Remaining 80.00

Sadly those are my three smallest which aren't very big however I have already paid them down greatly...the ones that remain are a lot larger...but getting 3 less bills each month in the mail will be a blessing!!

I have 3 paychecks left for August...that's 116.63 (divided by 3 = 38.87ish a week...)
So next paycheck $36.63 (bill #2 paid off)
2nd paycheck $20.00
3rd paycheck $20.00 (bill #3 paid off and goal met!)

Edited:

Total (CC#1 CC#2 and JBR) CC Debt left to pay off: $1219.39 …My goal is to get that debt down 20% by September 1^st. That’s a total reduction of CC debt of $244.00. I think I’ll be able to do it. A little at a time. $55 towards my Jewelry bill and $189 total towards my two credit cards…


Paid $55 towards my Jewlery Bill and $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check....(8/1/08)

Paid $20 towards CC #1 and $30 towards CC #2 out of this week's check .... (8/7/08)

So far I'm still on track.


I have 89.00 Left to reach my goal for the Month of August. That is entirely reasonable! as long as I don't use it before it's paid off....

I've enrolled into a new program called Body Clutter. It's a unique way at looking at why a person overeats...well it's not really unique - quite popular actually but usually only inside the walls of theoropy. This book is a way to help one do it on their own. Whether I can or can't is yet to be scene...this is my try.

Chapter One: Food - The Ultimate Weapon of Self-Destruction

-At times we've all used food as a drug
-Food is our comfort zone
-All have foods that trigger some past experience in us.
-Need three basics to live
1- Food to eat
2- Water to drink
3- Air to breathe
-also need love and relationships with people.
-When these happen we look for ways to self-medicate (for many its in the form of food)

MISSIONS

* Looking back for your 1st memory of comfort food. Is it a certain food or any food?
* What is your favorite food when you need comforting?
* Now, can you look back in your past to figure out why you love it so much?
* Write down 1st memory of using food to comfort yourself and what was happening to you and how you felt at the time.

************************
My first memory of using food as a comfort during one of my early jr. high summers. We had a variety store at the end of our road at the time and that summer was the first summer I was allowed to go for bike rides around town alone. I often stayed home alone in the summer as my dads business was located next to the house and he could check on me - however, I rarely saw him unless I went to see him. I would collect change from where ever I saw it whether it was on a table, counter or vehicle. My parents weren't necessarily getting along although at the time I was unsure why. I would often take my bike for a "ride" however, it was only ever up to the store to get a package of M&Ms , Rolos, or whatever other package of chocolate I desired. I'd often then come home and un-stuff my pockets of candy and eat it as fast as I could in case my father happened to check-in on me. If he did however, I would quickly stuff it (and wrappers) into the seat cushions. After weeks of stealing a quarter here and a dime there for my daily trips to the store I moved into what food we had at home. Eventually I realized that the Oreo s, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream and the like gave me the same satisfied feeling (of suppressing normal and un-normal feelings and situations I was experiencing at that point in my life) and I didn't even have to leave my house. Therefore, the pattern then started of being alone, home and in front of the TV all day, everyday because my parents didn't have money for summer camp and I didn't have the personality to make friends in the neighborhood. A time in my life I wish I could revisit knowing what I know now.

Some days as I sat there I had tremendous quilt. Knowing I wasn't hungry - just bored. I cried many tears with the internal struggle I was experiencing but at the time I never understood. Other days I had so much anger inside me that I ate out of spite instead of hunger or guilt. Looking back now it was probably a reflection of the environment I was surrounded by and the lack of support, understanding or even the noticibility from those that I craved it from the most.

Food was my friend. Some days my only friend. Whenever I wanted it, it was there and when I didn't it wasn't. It was my cry for help. My parents never noticed it missing they just bought more and when I'd eat more egging on the confrontation I desired the pattern increased and I never got it. Part of me always wonders why. I was a good kid. Never ran away, did drugs, experimented with alcohol or sex. Maybe my parents didn't want to push the envelope because they realized this? They must have known something was wrong? Wouldn't they? Maybe, however, they felt that overeating was better than other alternatives and by facing it I'd turn to the other options I'd had enough willpower to say no to already where I couldn't against food?

Sooooo tired....

I can't seem to get out of my own way lately...I'm just tired...plain 'ol tired...I sleep, exercise and eat well and I'm still just tired...starting to think that there is something else going on. Haven't felt good for the past week but there really isn't any particular thing I can say that doesn't feel good I just don't feel "right" whatever right is for me. I spent most of the day in bed yesterday becuase I just couldn't muster up the energy to get out. Reminds me of the time I was in a serious depression and didn't want to get out of bed and couldn't however, I'm not depressed ... things are going good well with the exception of lack of severe funding and needing of a second job...

I didn't get any walking in this weekend even though I know I should have...I need a new pair of sneakers too...the ones I have cause my feet to get all wet because there is holes in them ... and well since it tends to rain EVERYDAY and I need to walk that's the way it goes.

Have I mentioned how nice it was to log into my credit card account and see the balance available almost equal with the amount due???? Weird I know but for someone like me that is a BIG deal ... especially when I've been carrying the same balance for honestly like 2 years and haven't used it!

As most of you know I had at one point talked about doing the 5k run/walk for Victory Junction Gang Camp and I know most of you just shook your head and were like yeah...ok...whatever...you'll give up in a week or to like usual and then you'll come up with something "else" to do - however, I have been working towards that goal of a 5k first of December, and while I'm starting off slow hopefully that will give me the stamina I need to be able to make it to the end. I took the calendar and started with 5k run on the day and worked backwards alternating what I needed to give my body a cross train type effect. However, this is my road block....MUSIC!

If I don't take my Ipod with me my mind starts wandering about everything going on in life and everything I need to do and therefore I allow myself talk myself into giving up and heading back early to get stuff done....but with my Ipod on I spend so much time shuffling through music I can't really concentrate on the task at hand and really put my mind into it and focus and "see" the finish line....

I need some good upbeat songs. Some good ones like if you just won a big victory .. inspirational ones...I'm open to artists I've never heard of I just want them to upbeat and catchy like "I can't drive 55" by Sammay Hagar I love that one (Old School Rock, Country and Pop are my favorites)...etc...So if any of you have ideas for some songs that you just love and you find yourself bee bobbin to in the seat when you hear it on the radio comment me and lemme know!!!

.....


Now onto the actual training...this week has been a week of things that is easy anywhere from 1/2 mile to 1 mile walks ... this weekend I'll break into the 1/4 mile run...To say i'm not tired, bored and sore would be an understatement...I know that for the normal everyday person that may not seem like a lot and any ol rolly polly can do it but I'm terribly out of shape and for my knees to hold up almost 260 pounds and my back to support the constant motion of the same all while the face maintains a smile is a lot harder then it looks and I challenge anyone that has never been this way to put on a fat suit and walk around for a day....What I would do for some people to just experience it...but I know they would soon forget the experience they felt and go back to telling me to just suck it and do it for me and if you want it bad enough you'll do ... well no it's not quite that simple and I could want it bad enough for my life but it's still hard.

Life isn't easy. It's baby steps. It's decluttering your body. It's decluttering your mind. So as I work at Decluttering my home I'm also working at decluttering my mind, body and soul.

Total (CC#1 CC#2 and JBR) CC Debt left to pay off: $1219.39 …My goal is to get that debt down 20% by September 1^st. That’s a total reduction of CC debt of $244.00. I think I’ll be able to do it. A little at a time. $55 towards my Jewelry bill and $94.50 on each of my credit cards…


Paid $55 towards my Jewlery Bill and $25 towards CC #1 and $25 towards CC #2 out of this week's check....

So far I'm on track.


I have 139.00 Left to reach my goal for the Month of August. That is entirely reasonable! as long as I don't use it before it's paid off....

It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve written in my journal and lord knows I feel it…it’s amazing how much your mind gets cluttered and you feel kind of “out of control” for lack of better saying when you can’t put your thoughts down and organize them.

***

I’ve been working really hard at getting my debt ratio down. So far I’ve managed to get my credit cards down a bit. Not a lot but a bit. Kind of pissed at myself actually last month I lost track of the days and forgot to pay one of them which not only counteracted my last month’s payment but I got slammed with a bunch of fees. Over Limit fee because yes the finance charge was enough to push it over and then a late fee…This month however I’ve already paid it down $50 bucks and it’s not due till August 10^th so I shouldn’t receive a late or over limit fee…only the finance charge. The other card is in good shape. My jewelry card was almost paid off only had $65 left…but then I went and got a pearl necklace I’d had my eye on for over a year…yes I know I shouldn’t have but the thing was I had watched AND waited like they say you should and it was finally on sale 40% off plus I had a preferred customer discount so it was a good deal and even though I’m sure it would be back around I really liked this style and was afraid the reason why it was on sale was because they were no longer going to make this one in particular.

Total (CC#1 CC#2 and JBR) CC Debt left to pay off: $1219.39 …My goal is to get that debt down 20% by September 1^st. That’s a total reduction of CC debt of $244.00. I think I’ll be able to do it. A little at a time. $55 towards my Jewelry bill and $94.50 on each of my credit cards…

My medical bills are slowly coming down too. I haven’t added them up yet but I am one payment away from getting rid of at least two of them. So that excites me A LOT. Of course these are the smaller ones but at least that’s one more piece of mail and I can apply the small payment that I was making on these and add it to the payment I’m making on the bigger bills to make that payment even bigger. My biggest struggle is still maintaining my truck, home and utility bills during all this. It’s a major struggle…Summer is flying by and in a way I really don’t want it to because I won’t be able to afford the oil bill this winter and I don’t have a new house yet…and my parents haven’t moved….

My goal for my Medical bills is to get three bills paid off by September 1^st. I don’t care which ones but I want three less bills to arrive at my house at that point…I’ll have to figure out which ones they will be so I can put a greater emphasis on them now that I’m getting close to the bottom of my dealings with them. It actually feels really good to focus my effort towards something for a change…even though racing does get in the way of that sometimes…but like my parents said I still have to allow myself to have fun … life and adulthood is all about balance. I never was good at balancing LOL

***

My house is slowly getting under control too…I’ve been working a little bit each day at cleaning and decluttering…It’s amazing how one person (well technically two if you include my roommate) can accumulate so much stuff…Plus it’s really big house to keep clean. Especially when most of it is a hardwood floor…never in my life will I have hardwood floors in a house again. Each week I focus on a different part of the house to declutter and then I have an hour routine I do each day for each room to “tidy up” so far it’s been working…I haven’t gone through all the weeks rotations yet so half the house is dirty and cluttered and the other half…not so much ha ha but It feels good to have a house in order too. I really just want to get my front yard done the most. I think I’ll start working on that 15 minutes at a time each day morning and night because I really want to get it done enough to sit outside before it gets cold and defeats the purpose ha ha – so if anyone wants to help with some manual labor you know where to go.

I’m also starting a project to repaint my dresser…I want to get funky with it haha but I am going to reuse some left over paint we have from the kitchen…hopefully it will be enough to cover but just in case I don’t I’m saving the drawers till last so if I have to do them a different color I will…I need to go and get some new pulls too … half of them are missing. Lots of projects going on that will probably still be going on this winter…

***

Love life is going good for a change. We already had ups and downs but it’s okay because I didn’t really hold onto the rose colored glasses for too long. There are things I wished he did more of and less of but I’ve realized that there isn’t that one perfect person out there and I just need to spend time with him with “us” and decide if his imperfections are something I can live with. My grandmother once told me that spending your life with someone and being married to them is to develop the feelings that were there from the day you first met them. You won’t fall in love, you won’t be in love and you sure won’t know what love is till you’re with them morning – noon and night everyday for years, till they leave toothpaste in the sick and underwear on the floor. Marriage is about deciding if you can like them enough to learn to love them. You learn to live with someone, to love them and cherish them…if you do that everything else will fall into place. She also taught me that space is a necessity. Sometimes the need for space doesn’t always come at the same time and that is what makes things difficult. But to always pick your battles and understand that feelings will be hurt and probably a lot but what you do with those hurt feelings is what makes all the difference. Smile everyday, be the best you can be, fight for what you believe and always be honest with yourself.

***

My racing season of 2008 is full of more drama then any years previous…It’s amazing honestly. How so many people can get so caught up in other peoples lives that they clearly forget what their lives stand for. Who they are and what makes them a good person. I think that racing is honestly the only sport you can learn to love someone and hate them all in the same hours span. Some people are so faithful to those they cheer for that they see no wrong. Biased to the point of no return and will argue to their death about something that doesn’t even effect them in any way other then the stance among their friends. I know…I was one of them. Now a day I sit back and do my new favorite hobby. People watching…watching how they react to a situation, what they say and how they say it, and most importantly how they display all of these is the same situation only reversed. It’s amazing really how we are all guilty of this. And it’s not just in racing…it’s in life as well. So many of us mold our lives around things that we have no control over to just be ahead of the people around us, to make us higher in a chain of command that we don’t even understand. Are we truly going up or just sideways in life?

I have a lot of work to do. Money, House, Relationships, Bills, Friendships, and Myself...it's all a bit overwhelming. I wish I was coordinated enough to write while I exercised...I could get so much more done if I did. I do my best thinking while I exercise...WHEN I exercise actually. I really need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about that...I need to figure out some will power somehow someway...am get some energy and not be so damn bored while I'm there. I could have a book, magazine, i pod, and TV with cable and I'm still not able to stay there very long ... I'd rather be doing something else and it bothers me I'm there when I should be somewhere else...but it's time I start allowing myself to have me time.

How exactly does one do that?

I want to do a marathon in 2009. Just don't know how to do it or which one I want to do...but i'll figure it out.


My weekend was good but long. It was very challenging in a lot of ways. I stand behind decisions I have made I have no choice but to do that. Some days I wonder if I have made the right ones and other days the actions of others (including myself) have reaffirmed that in fact I have. I have so many friends from different "circles" that it's hard to please everyone and be happy myself.

I'm still so very tired from the weekends traveling that I need to sleep ... so many thoughts in my head that I wasn't able to sleep last night much...

Maybe a nap at lunch is in my future...

Three-forths of the year I BEG for summer. I beg for the warm, sunny days that are encompassed with birds singing and flowers blooming when in fact all you see in your mind all those months are things you read about in books or see in movies. This week has been the true summer. When you are so hot and sweaty you live to take a cold shower but dread it at the same time because you'll know it won't be long before you're once again sweaty and probably twice as bad becuase you never truly dry. This week is when the air quality is gross, the blue sky is crowded by the haze, the wind doesn't exist, and the sun is so hot that you can't even go outside. But being trapped inside with the AC drives you crazy because you know that while you're sitting there feeling cool all you see is $$$ ... which is precisly why I don't have it. But it's not bad enough for me to wish for winter just yet...I'd have to be pretty freakin miserable for that!

If the Thunder Showers stay away tonight Jason and I are going on a 3 hour cruise around Portland Harbor with Casco Bay Ferry Lines. It's the sunset cruise and one of my favorites. Hopefully it will be a good night for us as we need a night together not at a race track or involved in some racing activity. I love being on the water ... I'd live in a house boat if I could. Always loved Sleepless in Seattle for that very reason. Add a boat to the next list of things I want to get.

That makes...

• Camper
• Motorcycle
• Snowmobile
• Kayak
  
• Boat

in no particular order....

Man what I wouldn't do for a vacation! I'm trying like hell to get my credit cards paid off before I leave for Florida in September but I'm not sure it's going to happen but hopefully it will so I know that I have a cushion to use down there if I get in trouble...I'm not really saving much before because I'm trying to pay those off ha-ha so that will help since I won't have any extra spending money! I know bad idea but you never know!

I still need to get to the doctors to check that spot out on my back...he wants to cut it open and do tests and stuff on it but I don't have the money for it and while I know they will do it and bill me I still don't want that extra medical bill on top of all the others...

Oh well ... back to work and get shit together ... I have to go home and do laundry and stuff done since I don't know what this weekend is going to bring. Lee on Friday night and Thompson on Saturday just not sure if we are coming back in between or not.

I have to redo my budget again ... this isn't going to be good.

I hope I have the patience I need to do it and this time do it a little bit more manageable. Last time I worked it out on a perfect senario haha and well there wasn't ever a week that was "perfect"...

Oh well ... lessons learned...I've made SOME progress in some areas and lost it in others...I'll get there though I know it!

Life is good lately...what better time to tackle this again!

I hate hate hate hate hate Sunday nights....it's when everything gets boring and I stop and think again and again about how awesome the weekend was and how if it's just all in my head...and how I have to get through another week to experience that again and always wondering if that next weekend will truly ever come? But yet it always does and then come Sunday night the same thing happens...

This week only one slight disappointment...a promise was made to me for something to happen this afternoon and it didn't and I'm using that in my head to judge the entire weekend when in fact I know better and I know that it's not at all truly the case. But so my mind works...and my heart works the opposite. When my heart needs to have no say at all.

Well I'm off for my walk tonight just wanted to stop in and get that out...I might head to the park in a bit to do some writing...

My life has been so busy as of late. I haven't blogged in a long time. I'm loving my life though...I'm living as though I feel I should. Some changes have been happening and will continue to happen soon. I'm going to start looking for a second job really soon. Just trying to make it through the next few weeks first.

*My House - I need to do some work to it if I'm not going to rebuild as soon as we thought since that was a long time ago. I started working in the front trying to make a patio and I need to get back to it...however, it's been raining every night I'm home it seems...so I haven't had a chance to get it done. Maybe Friday morning I'll have some time I don't think I have to work. I just want a place where I can sit outside and watch the world go by! ha ha...

*My SUV - needs some work. Hopefully getting an alignment and tire rotation soon. I do need to save up some money for other things that will be coming up though I suppose. ICK...just getting gas into the damn thing is a challenge. I will also start making extra payments on it to get it down sooner so I can get something less expensive even though now the trade in on them will be junk...oh well lessons learned! Can't predict the economy.

*Photography - going back to school I'm hoping next month to start. It's a photography class through the Photography Institute of New York. It's a complete online diploma course. Not that expensive either. I really enjoy photography and I want to learn and develop my skill. Apparently it's in my blood. We shall see. There is something about pictures. The way they capture moments that people forget. The way they show things that you miss seeing the first time around.

*Love Life - yeah it's there for a change...slowly but surely making progress. I care about him a great deal so we'll see if I can keep my patience and nuroticness in check long enough for it to mean something.

*Friends - ugh it's a struggle ... let's just leave it at that. Who knew that keeping, growing and maintaining friendships would be so hard!

So I've had a long day already.

Then I get this.

Read before watching video.


A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with
me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went
on to complete the marathon together.

Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'

To which, his father said 'Yes' .

For those who didn't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island

Father and son went on to complete the race together. View this

Click http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513

It brought tears to my eyes.

Do you remember back in high school when in English class you do those creative writing lessons and one of them is where the teacher sets a timer for say 3 minutes and you have these blank sheets of paper in front of you and you're to just write and write and write for those 3 minutes? Everything that you think about. Everything even if it's one word, a feeling, or a full sentence. You're suppose to just FILL the paper every last inch of it. It's meant to try and clear your mind and a study in how your mind changes subjects so quick and when you go back to re-read you are amazed at everything you were thinking that you didn't know you were thinking?

I had the first bad day I've had in a long time and I found myself at my favorite spot. The park under the bridge at the edge of the water of Portland Harbor. I love that spot. Lay out a blanket on the grass and just watch across the water the boats come in and out of the harbor; the fisherman doing their thing and just listen to the water and the cars in the distance. It's always been my favorite spot since they redid the bridge and made the park. I've spent a lot of time there. A lot of time thinking. Last night was no different. I was there for 3 hours after the rain. The air was cool and the breeze was strong but the salt water air was what I needed. I sat down on my blanket with my pen and paper and I just wrote. I did the same exercise I spoke of above and in 3 hours I had so many pages written front and back that I used half a notebook. I stopped only becuase my hand was cramped. When I was done I felt okay. When I was done I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. When I was done I felt like everything I was worrying about was for not. We all have a way of talking ourselves into things that aren't true. We have a way of talking ourselves into something that isn't reality. I found myself writing things that I've never written down before for the simple fact that if I wrote them down I had to admit them. I had to own my feelings and my actions. I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to face the decisions I made. It's time I do. It's time I stop hiding behind them. I've been happy lately and I need to allow myself to be completely happy. That means no more hiding of anything. The next few weeks are going to be tough. There are a few things I need to say to a few people and life is going to be a roller coaster for me but with the strength that I have from the people that are in my life for a reason it'll be okay. I have to trust and most of all believe in that. Continue to believe in myself.

I have no other option anymore.

New Cell Phone is here. Numbers not so much. I was able to recover about half...since my last backup which apparently had been many months...oh well.

ERRR i have a lot to write about this weekend ... it was the best I've had in a long time ... with the following exception on saturday...

I WASHED MY CELL PHONE!!!!

....so yeah ... until further notice I have no cell phone (or well any phone for that matter which makes things a little on the uneasy side...) I'll let y'all know when I get it back...

I’ve been hurt many times over. We all have. I’ve made decisions that weren’t right. We all have. Maybe deep down inside I felt like I deserved it. Growing up I always did things to try and make myself feel better for how I looked or ate. When I got attention I grabbed it – right or wrong. When I got a compliment I denied it. I never saw myself that way in the mirror. I always grew up thinking I was looking into a clown mirror; you know the wavy kind that disproportions your body. One of my favorite movies is a lifetime movie called “To be fat like me” … it’s a great movie about teenagers and how being fat growing up is viewed. It’s definitely a movie that all should see. No matter how many times I watch it I still find myself tearing up during it. The emotions are raw, real and terrifying. In that sense I hate watching it because it brings it back…but in the next sense it helps to remember how far I’ve come. I’ve come that way through friends, family and experiences. I learn from each of them, just maybe not always the first time around. The best quote from the movie is this:

“The world will tell you who you are till you tell the world.”

It’s true. So far in 2008 I’ve been telling the world just who I am going to be. I may not have riches, I may not have a beautiful home, I may not be able to be the friend that everyone needs for me to be. But I am happy, I am loving, and I have everything I need in my life to be able to live it to it’s potential. Right here. Right now.

Through the course of my journey I’ve learned that some things I did because it’s what I was suppose to do or what was expected of me…wasn’t what I actually wanted to do at all. The people who were in my life may not have been the ones that were suppose to be there. The ones that weren’t in my life … they were. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work on friendships I already have and friendships I’ve lost. One person, one relationship I wanted back more then anything is finally coming back around. It’s taken some work but hopefully this time it’s here to stay. This time I listen to what I say and to what my heart tells me. No one else’s opinions matter, no one else’s thoughts are cared about. This time it’s just us, being us. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of loving him. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be everything he needed or wanted in a woman. I had been on the other side…I know. But I soon realized I couldn’t control the future. I have to let the past be the past and to not blame the people that are in my life today for the mistakes that people made in the past. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t’ fair to them. I’m not happy because I was living in the past. Everything in my head was based on then not on what the future holds. So what if I’m not where I want to be right now? SO what if I haven’t reached my goal of 150 pounds? SO what if I’m human. I wouldn’t want to be any other way. Because even though my body may not be beautiful if my soul and my spirit are then that will make me be beautiful, even if only to myself.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. I no longer focus on what I get. I focus on what I can give other people. If that means I go out and spend my paycheck on food and decorations and cake for a friend so they can feel special for a few minutes out of the day and everyone shares in laughter and fun and games I’d do it in a heart beat just to see them smile and hear them laugh; even if I have to go home that night and skip dinner because I have no food in my kitchen to eat. It’s worth it.

I’ve been happier these past few weeks and people have started noticing. They ask me why and I smile and say because I found life worth living. Gone are the nights when I laid in bed praying to not wake up in the morning. Gone are the days driving down the road wondering what it’d feel like to drive off the side of the road and down an embankment. Gone are the days when I sit home alone because I didn’t get invited to places or because I had no way to get there. Now I go for a walk and enjoy Mother Nature. Now I learn and read online to give myself knowledge. Now I love me for me not because of who’s around me providing me things to do. Now I’ve learned how to grow up not just grow old…

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

****

“It ain't nothing to find no starting place in the world. You just start from where you find yourself.” -August Wilson

****


Why is it that when we try to live our life the hardest we suddenly find ourselves slipping further and further away from what we are trying "not" to obtain?

I got it when people said you had to stop looking for what you want in order for it to get there.

I got it when people said you had to work for what you want.

I got it when people said that in order for things to happen you need to actually put yourself in a position to receive them.

But what happens when in living your life you've suddenly realized that everything you thought you "didn't" want (because you wanted them to come) are really things you don't want? What do you do when you wake up one morning and find yourself so bored with life that you just want to go back to bed? I'm not depressed - I'm not sad. I'm quite the opposite actually. I've been in a good mood as of late - no idea why I've just been there. However, I have been a bitch. I'll be the first to say it. I don't give a shit what people think of me anymore. If I don't want you to be with me or to ride with me I'm not going to invite you. If I don't like what your saying I'll tell you. If you have a problem with it then it's your problem no longer mine. Maybe that's why even though I have no direction in life I still feel okay because I'm not harboring everyone else's feelings just my own and I can handle my own.

I like to do things alone. Noone gets that. They think I'm weird about that. They don't get why I like to go to the races and sit by myself and watch. They don't get why I like to drive places alone. They don't get why I like to go the beach and lay down and listen to the people around me and wonder what it would be like in their shoes. Peace and quiet is something they have never learned to cherish.

I may want to be a mom. I may want to be a wife. I may want to have someone to hold on to. But I'm going to work on being the best person I can be at this moment in time to hopefully help prepare me to be that person. God has a plan for everyone and I guess at this point I'm just going to have to believe I'm not ready to be that person yet.

My Weekend of Sports...

Friday Night (05/23/2008)

*Red Sox Vs. Oakland @ Oakland.

Pitcher: Wakefield

OAK 8, BOS 3

During the Top of the 4^th my boy Pedroia homered to deep left!

In the Top of the 5^th Ellsbury singled in my other boy J.D. Drew!

In the Top of the 7^th Ellsbury singled again this time bringing in Lugo.

3 Runs

6 Hits

0 Errors

*Lee USA Speedway

After 3 weeks of trying the fourth time was the lucky charm and they were finally able to get in a full night of racing! I was there to watching rookie Joey Lovejoy race his #23 Late Model and wasn’t disappointed! Starting out the night in his second time every driving ANY kind of racecar I was a little on the nervous side on what to expect. However I was very surprised at the level of what must be raw talent? After working so much on the crew of Ben Rowe it looks like he might have picked up on some of the winning techniques. He held his line, stayed on the white line, and most importantly stayed out of trouble. They held double features and no heats due to the rainouts that had yet to start the season. The first feature he finished just outside of the top 10 in 11^th position and in the second feature he claimed his first top 5! I’m glad I went it made the trip there and back worth it!

Saturday Night (05/24/2008)

*Red Sox Vs. Oakland @ Oakland

Pitcher: Beckett

OAK 3, BOS 0

0 Runs

1 Hit

0 Errors

*NASCAR Nationwide Series

Winner: Kyle Busch

Kyle is the man this year. He can fall into a pile of shit and still come out smelling like a rose.

*NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series

Winner: Donny Lia

Watched the last few laps…weird….Donny Lia? Seriously? Hmm okay.

*Beech Ridge Motor Speedway

My hometrack, my friends, my family … and all are still a bunch of idiots. This was the night of the Super Sportsman 100 one of the few events that are looked forward to all year. My “team” that I’m with races this division and while I decided to show up right before the green flag versus my 4 hours earlier to sit in the hot sun watching tempers flare … it didn’t take long before I caught up to speed on what happened earlier in the day.

Perhaps that is because the same thing happens over and over again. Regardless of where I am and who I’m with. The race took an extraordinary long amount of time to complete because people couldn’t open their eyes. (However, it was still shorter then the next days Coastal 200 appeared to have been). I got out of there around 1115-1130. Fun stuff!

Sunday Night (05/25/2008)

*Indy 500

Winner: Scott Dix

Didn’t watch much of this race…just the highlights (which happened to be more of a mad Danica storming off then the actual winner Scott Dix)…I like the history of it but I just can’t watch Indy or Formula 1 or those….they sound like bees…

I hate bees.

*Red Sox Vs. Oakland @ Oakland

Pitcher: Lester

OAK 6, BOS 3

Top of the 1^st D. Ortiz homered to deep right

Top of the 5^th M. Ramirez singled to center and scored in both J. Lugo and D. Pedroia!

3 Runs

7 Hits

0 Errors

*NASCAR Sprint Cup Series

Winner: Kasey Kahne

I like Kasey…I do, honest. However I would have liked to have seen someone else win – especially since his win in the All-Star challenge he’s become a very rich guy in the past 7 days! Maybe I liked last years better because the winner was my boy, my underdog! Who knows…but in between all the other races locally going on that I was getting updates from and the other things on tv it was an “alright” race…but I happen to like the longer races that go from day to night becuase you really start to see who’s crew is on their “game” not just in preparation but mentally as well. Many teams changed 180 percent from the green flag to the checkered!

*Portland Sea Dogs Vs. New Britain Rock Cats @ Home

Pitcher: Kyle Jackson

PSD 15, NBR 11

15 Runs

20 Hits

2 Errors

Now I will admit that watching baseball on TV is sooo much easier just like in Football (they have the lines to show me where they play from!). Anyways…it was hard for me to follow it like I can on tv but it’s something I will have to learn and learn to appreciate…which basically means I have to actually watch the game and not just the cute boys in uniform!!!

But it was a great game…albeit hot. I had a lot of fun and I can see myself going back many times…for 9 bucks you can’t beat it! … well maybe if you throw in an extra dollar you get a race … that might beat it! =)

I've learned ... that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned ... that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned ... that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned ... that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned ... that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned ... that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.