Do you remember back in high school when in English class you do those creative writing lessons and one of them is where the teacher sets a timer for say 3 minutes and you have these blank sheets of paper in front of you and you're to just write and write and write for those 3 minutes? Everything that you think about. Everything even if it's one word, a feeling, or a full sentence. You're suppose to just FILL the paper every last inch of it. It's meant to try and clear your mind and a study in how your mind changes subjects so quick and when you go back to re-read you are amazed at everything you were thinking that you didn't know you were thinking?

I had the first bad day I've had in a long time and I found myself at my favorite spot. The park under the bridge at the edge of the water of Portland Harbor. I love that spot. Lay out a blanket on the grass and just watch across the water the boats come in and out of the harbor; the fisherman doing their thing and just listen to the water and the cars in the distance. It's always been my favorite spot since they redid the bridge and made the park. I've spent a lot of time there. A lot of time thinking. Last night was no different. I was there for 3 hours after the rain. The air was cool and the breeze was strong but the salt water air was what I needed. I sat down on my blanket with my pen and paper and I just wrote. I did the same exercise I spoke of above and in 3 hours I had so many pages written front and back that I used half a notebook. I stopped only becuase my hand was cramped. When I was done I felt okay. When I was done I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. When I was done I felt like everything I was worrying about was for not. We all have a way of talking ourselves into things that aren't true. We have a way of talking ourselves into something that isn't reality. I found myself writing things that I've never written down before for the simple fact that if I wrote them down I had to admit them. I had to own my feelings and my actions. I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to face the decisions I made. It's time I do. It's time I stop hiding behind them. I've been happy lately and I need to allow myself to be completely happy. That means no more hiding of anything. The next few weeks are going to be tough. There are a few things I need to say to a few people and life is going to be a roller coaster for me but with the strength that I have from the people that are in my life for a reason it'll be okay. I have to trust and most of all believe in that. Continue to believe in myself.

I have no other option anymore.