I've enrolled into a new program called Body Clutter. It's a unique way at looking at why a person overeats...well it's not really unique - quite popular actually but usually only inside the walls of theoropy. This book is a way to help one do it on their own. Whether I can or can't is yet to be scene...this is my try.

Chapter One: Food - The Ultimate Weapon of Self-Destruction

-At times we've all used food as a drug
-Food is our comfort zone
-All have foods that trigger some past experience in us.
-Need three basics to live
1- Food to eat
2- Water to drink
3- Air to breathe
-also need love and relationships with people.
-When these happen we look for ways to self-medicate (for many its in the form of food)

MISSIONS

* Looking back for your 1st memory of comfort food. Is it a certain food or any food?
* What is your favorite food when you need comforting?
* Now, can you look back in your past to figure out why you love it so much?
* Write down 1st memory of using food to comfort yourself and what was happening to you and how you felt at the time.

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My first memory of using food as a comfort during one of my early jr. high summers. We had a variety store at the end of our road at the time and that summer was the first summer I was allowed to go for bike rides around town alone. I often stayed home alone in the summer as my dads business was located next to the house and he could check on me - however, I rarely saw him unless I went to see him. I would collect change from where ever I saw it whether it was on a table, counter or vehicle. My parents weren't necessarily getting along although at the time I was unsure why. I would often take my bike for a "ride" however, it was only ever up to the store to get a package of M&Ms , Rolos, or whatever other package of chocolate I desired. I'd often then come home and un-stuff my pockets of candy and eat it as fast as I could in case my father happened to check-in on me. If he did however, I would quickly stuff it (and wrappers) into the seat cushions. After weeks of stealing a quarter here and a dime there for my daily trips to the store I moved into what food we had at home. Eventually I realized that the Oreo s, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream and the like gave me the same satisfied feeling (of suppressing normal and un-normal feelings and situations I was experiencing at that point in my life) and I didn't even have to leave my house. Therefore, the pattern then started of being alone, home and in front of the TV all day, everyday because my parents didn't have money for summer camp and I didn't have the personality to make friends in the neighborhood. A time in my life I wish I could revisit knowing what I know now.

Some days as I sat there I had tremendous quilt. Knowing I wasn't hungry - just bored. I cried many tears with the internal struggle I was experiencing but at the time I never understood. Other days I had so much anger inside me that I ate out of spite instead of hunger or guilt. Looking back now it was probably a reflection of the environment I was surrounded by and the lack of support, understanding or even the noticibility from those that I craved it from the most.

Food was my friend. Some days my only friend. Whenever I wanted it, it was there and when I didn't it wasn't. It was my cry for help. My parents never noticed it missing they just bought more and when I'd eat more egging on the confrontation I desired the pattern increased and I never got it. Part of me always wonders why. I was a good kid. Never ran away, did drugs, experimented with alcohol or sex. Maybe my parents didn't want to push the envelope because they realized this? They must have known something was wrong? Wouldn't they? Maybe, however, they felt that overeating was better than other alternatives and by facing it I'd turn to the other options I'd had enough willpower to say no to already where I couldn't against food?