I’ve been hurt many times over. We all have. I’ve made decisions that weren’t right. We all have. Maybe deep down inside I felt like I deserved it. Growing up I always did things to try and make myself feel better for how I looked or ate. When I got attention I grabbed it – right or wrong. When I got a compliment I denied it. I never saw myself that way in the mirror. I always grew up thinking I was looking into a clown mirror; you know the wavy kind that disproportions your body. One of my favorite movies is a lifetime movie called “To be fat like me” … it’s a great movie about teenagers and how being fat growing up is viewed. It’s definitely a movie that all should see. No matter how many times I watch it I still find myself tearing up during it. The emotions are raw, real and terrifying. In that sense I hate watching it because it brings it back…but in the next sense it helps to remember how far I’ve come. I’ve come that way through friends, family and experiences. I learn from each of them, just maybe not always the first time around. The best quote from the movie is this:

“The world will tell you who you are till you tell the world.”

It’s true. So far in 2008 I’ve been telling the world just who I am going to be. I may not have riches, I may not have a beautiful home, I may not be able to be the friend that everyone needs for me to be. But I am happy, I am loving, and I have everything I need in my life to be able to live it to it’s potential. Right here. Right now.

Through the course of my journey I’ve learned that some things I did because it’s what I was suppose to do or what was expected of me…wasn’t what I actually wanted to do at all. The people who were in my life may not have been the ones that were suppose to be there. The ones that weren’t in my life … they were. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work on friendships I already have and friendships I’ve lost. One person, one relationship I wanted back more then anything is finally coming back around. It’s taken some work but hopefully this time it’s here to stay. This time I listen to what I say and to what my heart tells me. No one else’s opinions matter, no one else’s thoughts are cared about. This time it’s just us, being us. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of loving him. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be everything he needed or wanted in a woman. I had been on the other side…I know. But I soon realized I couldn’t control the future. I have to let the past be the past and to not blame the people that are in my life today for the mistakes that people made in the past. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t’ fair to them. I’m not happy because I was living in the past. Everything in my head was based on then not on what the future holds. So what if I’m not where I want to be right now? SO what if I haven’t reached my goal of 150 pounds? SO what if I’m human. I wouldn’t want to be any other way. Because even though my body may not be beautiful if my soul and my spirit are then that will make me be beautiful, even if only to myself.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. I no longer focus on what I get. I focus on what I can give other people. If that means I go out and spend my paycheck on food and decorations and cake for a friend so they can feel special for a few minutes out of the day and everyone shares in laughter and fun and games I’d do it in a heart beat just to see them smile and hear them laugh; even if I have to go home that night and skip dinner because I have no food in my kitchen to eat. It’s worth it.

I’ve been happier these past few weeks and people have started noticing. They ask me why and I smile and say because I found life worth living. Gone are the nights when I laid in bed praying to not wake up in the morning. Gone are the days driving down the road wondering what it’d feel like to drive off the side of the road and down an embankment. Gone are the days when I sit home alone because I didn’t get invited to places or because I had no way to get there. Now I go for a walk and enjoy Mother Nature. Now I learn and read online to give myself knowledge. Now I love me for me not because of who’s around me providing me things to do. Now I’ve learned how to grow up not just grow old…