“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

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“It ain't nothing to find no starting place in the world. You just start from where you find yourself.” -August Wilson

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Why is it that when we try to live our life the hardest we suddenly find ourselves slipping further and further away from what we are trying "not" to obtain?

I got it when people said you had to stop looking for what you want in order for it to get there.

I got it when people said you had to work for what you want.

I got it when people said that in order for things to happen you need to actually put yourself in a position to receive them.

But what happens when in living your life you've suddenly realized that everything you thought you "didn't" want (because you wanted them to come) are really things you don't want? What do you do when you wake up one morning and find yourself so bored with life that you just want to go back to bed? I'm not depressed - I'm not sad. I'm quite the opposite actually. I've been in a good mood as of late - no idea why I've just been there. However, I have been a bitch. I'll be the first to say it. I don't give a shit what people think of me anymore. If I don't want you to be with me or to ride with me I'm not going to invite you. If I don't like what your saying I'll tell you. If you have a problem with it then it's your problem no longer mine. Maybe that's why even though I have no direction in life I still feel okay because I'm not harboring everyone else's feelings just my own and I can handle my own.

I like to do things alone. Noone gets that. They think I'm weird about that. They don't get why I like to go to the races and sit by myself and watch. They don't get why I like to drive places alone. They don't get why I like to go the beach and lay down and listen to the people around me and wonder what it would be like in their shoes. Peace and quiet is something they have never learned to cherish.

I may want to be a mom. I may want to be a wife. I may want to have someone to hold on to. But I'm going to work on being the best person I can be at this moment in time to hopefully help prepare me to be that person. God has a plan for everyone and I guess at this point I'm just going to have to believe I'm not ready to be that person yet.