Do you remember back in high school when in English class you do those creative writing lessons and one of them is where the teacher sets a timer for say 3 minutes and you have these blank sheets of paper in front of you and you're to just write and write and write for those 3 minutes? Everything that you think about. Everything even if it's one word, a feeling, or a full sentence. You're suppose to just FILL the paper every last inch of it. It's meant to try and clear your mind and a study in how your mind changes subjects so quick and when you go back to re-read you are amazed at everything you were thinking that you didn't know you were thinking?

I had the first bad day I've had in a long time and I found myself at my favorite spot. The park under the bridge at the edge of the water of Portland Harbor. I love that spot. Lay out a blanket on the grass and just watch across the water the boats come in and out of the harbor; the fisherman doing their thing and just listen to the water and the cars in the distance. It's always been my favorite spot since they redid the bridge and made the park. I've spent a lot of time there. A lot of time thinking. Last night was no different. I was there for 3 hours after the rain. The air was cool and the breeze was strong but the salt water air was what I needed. I sat down on my blanket with my pen and paper and I just wrote. I did the same exercise I spoke of above and in 3 hours I had so many pages written front and back that I used half a notebook. I stopped only becuase my hand was cramped. When I was done I felt okay. When I was done I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. When I was done I felt like everything I was worrying about was for not. We all have a way of talking ourselves into things that aren't true. We have a way of talking ourselves into something that isn't reality. I found myself writing things that I've never written down before for the simple fact that if I wrote them down I had to admit them. I had to own my feelings and my actions. I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to face the decisions I made. It's time I do. It's time I stop hiding behind them. I've been happy lately and I need to allow myself to be completely happy. That means no more hiding of anything. The next few weeks are going to be tough. There are a few things I need to say to a few people and life is going to be a roller coaster for me but with the strength that I have from the people that are in my life for a reason it'll be okay. I have to trust and most of all believe in that. Continue to believe in myself.

I have no other option anymore.

New Cell Phone is here. Numbers not so much. I was able to recover about half...since my last backup which apparently had been many months...oh well.

ERRR i have a lot to write about this weekend ... it was the best I've had in a long time ... with the following exception on saturday...

I WASHED MY CELL PHONE!!!!

....so yeah ... until further notice I have no cell phone (or well any phone for that matter which makes things a little on the uneasy side...) I'll let y'all know when I get it back...

I’ve been hurt many times over. We all have. I’ve made decisions that weren’t right. We all have. Maybe deep down inside I felt like I deserved it. Growing up I always did things to try and make myself feel better for how I looked or ate. When I got attention I grabbed it – right or wrong. When I got a compliment I denied it. I never saw myself that way in the mirror. I always grew up thinking I was looking into a clown mirror; you know the wavy kind that disproportions your body. One of my favorite movies is a lifetime movie called “To be fat like me” … it’s a great movie about teenagers and how being fat growing up is viewed. It’s definitely a movie that all should see. No matter how many times I watch it I still find myself tearing up during it. The emotions are raw, real and terrifying. In that sense I hate watching it because it brings it back…but in the next sense it helps to remember how far I’ve come. I’ve come that way through friends, family and experiences. I learn from each of them, just maybe not always the first time around. The best quote from the movie is this:

“The world will tell you who you are till you tell the world.”

It’s true. So far in 2008 I’ve been telling the world just who I am going to be. I may not have riches, I may not have a beautiful home, I may not be able to be the friend that everyone needs for me to be. But I am happy, I am loving, and I have everything I need in my life to be able to live it to it’s potential. Right here. Right now.

Through the course of my journey I’ve learned that some things I did because it’s what I was suppose to do or what was expected of me…wasn’t what I actually wanted to do at all. The people who were in my life may not have been the ones that were suppose to be there. The ones that weren’t in my life … they were. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work on friendships I already have and friendships I’ve lost. One person, one relationship I wanted back more then anything is finally coming back around. It’s taken some work but hopefully this time it’s here to stay. This time I listen to what I say and to what my heart tells me. No one else’s opinions matter, no one else’s thoughts are cared about. This time it’s just us, being us. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of loving him. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be everything he needed or wanted in a woman. I had been on the other side…I know. But I soon realized I couldn’t control the future. I have to let the past be the past and to not blame the people that are in my life today for the mistakes that people made in the past. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t’ fair to them. I’m not happy because I was living in the past. Everything in my head was based on then not on what the future holds. So what if I’m not where I want to be right now? SO what if I haven’t reached my goal of 150 pounds? SO what if I’m human. I wouldn’t want to be any other way. Because even though my body may not be beautiful if my soul and my spirit are then that will make me be beautiful, even if only to myself.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. I no longer focus on what I get. I focus on what I can give other people. If that means I go out and spend my paycheck on food and decorations and cake for a friend so they can feel special for a few minutes out of the day and everyone shares in laughter and fun and games I’d do it in a heart beat just to see them smile and hear them laugh; even if I have to go home that night and skip dinner because I have no food in my kitchen to eat. It’s worth it.

I’ve been happier these past few weeks and people have started noticing. They ask me why and I smile and say because I found life worth living. Gone are the nights when I laid in bed praying to not wake up in the morning. Gone are the days driving down the road wondering what it’d feel like to drive off the side of the road and down an embankment. Gone are the days when I sit home alone because I didn’t get invited to places or because I had no way to get there. Now I go for a walk and enjoy Mother Nature. Now I learn and read online to give myself knowledge. Now I love me for me not because of who’s around me providing me things to do. Now I’ve learned how to grow up not just grow old…

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

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“It ain't nothing to find no starting place in the world. You just start from where you find yourself.” -August Wilson

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Why is it that when we try to live our life the hardest we suddenly find ourselves slipping further and further away from what we are trying "not" to obtain?

I got it when people said you had to stop looking for what you want in order for it to get there.

I got it when people said you had to work for what you want.

I got it when people said that in order for things to happen you need to actually put yourself in a position to receive them.

But what happens when in living your life you've suddenly realized that everything you thought you "didn't" want (because you wanted them to come) are really things you don't want? What do you do when you wake up one morning and find yourself so bored with life that you just want to go back to bed? I'm not depressed - I'm not sad. I'm quite the opposite actually. I've been in a good mood as of late - no idea why I've just been there. However, I have been a bitch. I'll be the first to say it. I don't give a shit what people think of me anymore. If I don't want you to be with me or to ride with me I'm not going to invite you. If I don't like what your saying I'll tell you. If you have a problem with it then it's your problem no longer mine. Maybe that's why even though I have no direction in life I still feel okay because I'm not harboring everyone else's feelings just my own and I can handle my own.

I like to do things alone. Noone gets that. They think I'm weird about that. They don't get why I like to go to the races and sit by myself and watch. They don't get why I like to drive places alone. They don't get why I like to go the beach and lay down and listen to the people around me and wonder what it would be like in their shoes. Peace and quiet is something they have never learned to cherish.

I may want to be a mom. I may want to be a wife. I may want to have someone to hold on to. But I'm going to work on being the best person I can be at this moment in time to hopefully help prepare me to be that person. God has a plan for everyone and I guess at this point I'm just going to have to believe I'm not ready to be that person yet.