There are many things in life we can change and then again there are many things in life we can't. People always ask the question if you died today would you be happy with the life you have lived? ... I've been thinking a lot about that question lately and most definitly my answer would be no without question! The hardest part about that answer is I don't really know why or why not. I'm looking for things that I'm not sure even exist, I'm waiting for things to happen that I don't even know could happen but yet here I sit.

I went out and got a tattoo. Some people are against and some are for them. For me it was a personal decision. I didn't go out and get a tattoo because I was in "Vegas" or because I was "Drunk" or because someone else did. I went out and got one that means something to me. One that stands for what I need to believe in.

I have loved butterflies ever since I was little. My love of butterflies comes from watching an ugly caterpillar that no one would give a second look to, to its transformation with time and dedication, it became something marvelous to the human eye. Maybe it reminds me of myself. I've always viewed myself as the ugly caterpillar. Never truly fitting in wherever I went. So the butterfly means a new life, a new beginning after many years of trying to please everyone else by being someone I'm not.

The word "Believe" in its Greek heritage means to have faith, to trust in. To believe, as in faith is far different than simply to believe in something.

So with the butterfly in combination with the word "Believe" I have given myself something to believe in myself for. This day marks a lot in my life. It marks day of change. In the celebration of my grandfathers birthday, I am now resigned back up with Weight Watchers and the gym. I'm changing the way I think and act towards people. Some may think it's for the better, others may not think it fair...but it's who I need to be for me. I now believe in myself and the choices I make. I now believe in the goals I have to in order to succeed at being a better person. I have realized that I can't expect someone else to love me when I don't even love myself.

Quotes of the day...

Just sitting here on a rainy day and wanted to post some things that I have around my office and home...

"I will run, where failures fear to walk. I will try harder, when failures seek to give in. I will act right now, for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the depressed. I am not depressed. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will be lost forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the one."

"Success is not how quick you reach the top, it's how fast you bounce back when you hit the bottom"

"Life is like a flowing river full of opportunities. It's up to you whether you stand with a bucket or spoon."

"Failures don't deserve your attention, only Success does."

"To motivate is to take a broken state of mind and mend it with a winning attitude."

"Though I may lose externally daily, internally I am defeated."

"You are in this world to create history either for yourself or for this world. The choice lies with you."

"Happiness has more to do with inside than outside. Don't ever trade it with anything that is outside."

"Live today, not yesterday, nor wait for a better tomorrow. You know not what such day may bring."

"When you are kind to someone in trouble, you hope they'll remember and be kind to someone else. And it'll become like a wildfire."

"Be careful what you say to me today, for tomorrow you may wish you had never spoken."

"Laugh loudly, love truly and never regret anything that makes you smile."

"Impossible is nothing, all you have to do is put in your 100% and believe in yourself."

"GOD determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

"As long as time exists, we can always make up for what we fell short in."

"Don't count things you do, do the things that count."

"Leaders are like Eagles. They don't flock, you find them one at a time."

"You don't declare yourself a somebody, your actions and deeds will."

"Creative outcomes often come by building upon a mistake."

"Ideas won't work until you do."

Happy Birthday Grampa Joe!

HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY!!!!

Today is what would have been my grampa's 90th birthday. I wish every single day that I would have had more time with him at an age when I would have appreciated the values and character he brought to the family. He was our "matriarch" - when he passed the family fell apart. There were four kids and two went one way and two went the other. There was a lot of deception that didn't need to be surrounded by his passing.

I still believe that everyday he teaches me something or is there in spirit to help me with my decisions and forgive me when I wrong. I was the closest of all his grandchildren to him and I to him. I used to spend everyday in the summer with him at the beach house walking the beach and collecting seashells and every storm in the winter I would go over and shovel his walk and driveway. I used to go over at the young age of 10 and help him with his bills (he wasn't very organized) and then as I got older and one of the last few memories I have with him was when I got my license. I used to take him grocery shopping and help him sign his name on his check since he couldn't see very well. I used to fight him every week on the need to get two gallons of vodka ... drinking was bad he needed to stop ... but what I finally realized was that at his age alcohol was sadly the only thing keeping him alive. At the same time it was the cause of his death as well.

His body shut down and his liver could no longer function and there were no more satisfactory places in his body for the dialysis machine to hook too.

While today is a cold, rainy and just plain dreary day I find myself thinking back of all the memories and the smile you used to always give regardless of the pain you felt and could never tell or show you how much I miss you. This morning I went to visit him in the driving rain and placed a single red rose and a seashell from his beach, Higgins Beach.

I LOVE YOU
RIP Joseph Leon Meserve

Back on track...

Walked into Weight Watchers and signed back up...this time I WILL get my keychain and I WILL accomplish my goals!

It was surprisingly harder to do this time around. The first time it wasn't an issue I walked in and asked for help but then I walked away...this time I had to walk back in to the same people and ask for help again from the same people. I felt like a failure, I felt like I was going to get looked down apon and most importantly I felt like I didn't belong there. Regardless of how I told myself I felt, the person there told me it was okay - at least I came back, at least I didn't give up for good. Everyone falls off the wagon and thats why they are there to help me back on...so with that I got on the scale and gulped with what it said. I was almost back to where I was before I started last time...

I was crushed.

I weighed in at 269.6 - later tonight I'll take my pictures and measurements because sometimes weigh-ins don't give the true test of how the body changes.

So far today I've been good I forwent my morning trip to DD for my Medium Sweet Tea and my Bacon-Egg-Cheese on a plain bagel for a bowl of cheerios with skim milk and a banana and 6 oz of yogurt.

We'll see how things go - wish me strength for the rest of the day!

Enjoying the bit of summer that snuck into my little world...

Went to the beach the other day for lunch and it was a little slice of heaven...I love living as close as I do to the beach and being able to bury my feet in the sand and listen to the laughter of the kids home from school vacation as they attempted to go in the water testing the threat of frostbite. The calming effect of the waves the smell of the salt water. Those all bring back memories from when life was easy and carefree and nothing mattered except that exact moment and nothing had consequences.

This past week has been a true test to myself and my friendships I share with the people in my lives. I've had just about every realization this week and the most important and pronounced was that it's going to be a LONG summer...

But there isn't anything that isn't given to me that I can't handle...just maybe with a few bumps...

I have made a final decision on my tattoo that I will be getting this week. A symbol of change. A symbol of who I am. The only addition I will have to it will be the word "Believe" somewhere. The only change I'll have is instead of Pinks I think I will want bright blues...I wanted to get it Saturday morning but no place opens till noon and I have some place to be in the afternoon...plus they are all booked. I think I will have an appointment after work on Tuesday though...

One year closer to 30...

What a weekend!

It included racing, partying, drinking, poker, friends, dancing and more racing oh and lots of food!
I have some of the best friends in the world and couldn't ask for anything better. Even though some good things happened that will probably change a friendship I wouldn't change what happened for the world...I try to always believe that everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it will be. I'm believing that still.

Today is my friends birthday so we're going out to dinner with my parents to the Roadhouse so I'm kind of excited about that...can never eat there too often!!

Lots more to write just not sure how to put it down...I'm sure more will come in the following days!

Moments that surprise me...

When I least expect it and I'm at my "wits" end where nothing is going right something always seems to happen to make me reflect and think on the path of my life.

These beautiful flowers were just that.

Some people claim that flowers are just flowers and they die so what's the point of getting some? Well to me it's the thought that counts...and for a few days they put off a radiant smell in which calms me and I love to watch them open up over the course of the days with a little sunlight and TLC.

A close friend showed up the other night with these in his hands unexpectedly. They mean nothing more then friendship and to see a smile on my face and his. It worked...It's springtime and it's time to put away the old and grow with the new!

So I just wanted to say Thank You for making a difference it meant a lot!

Instructions for Life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's:
   >Respect for self.
   >Respect for others and
   >Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
    
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
    

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS

...and so they do.

My daffodils are already poking their heads up and even some tulips along the path as well - They have come up overnight it seems and I can't wait for them to bloom as they are one of my favorite springtime flowers!!!

I wanted to build a patio out back of my house because my house isn't in very good shape and I wanted to have a place to sit and relax this summer - I'd like to spend a lot of time outside if I can. It's become quite the project all while trying to keep it within a non existent budget. But thanks to some awesome friends I have that are willing to help with the supplies and the digging and planning it should come together quite nicely. First delivery of gravel is being delivered tomorrow night and ground breaks tonight after work!





I have foxes that apparently like my garage...well at least the underneath. They have decided to make it their den and while Gracie, my dog, wants to play they don't ... so it's been kind of interesting having to keep her away from them and especially the pups and mom gets upset when you threaten her pups. But I was able to get a few pictures of momma late the other night - not that great but my camera wasn't set for the right setting...I'm sure I'll have a chance to have more.



For those of you that followed my previous journal I have decided to start a new journal to give myself a new start. I need a clean slate. One that doesn't contain memories that I don't need to remember or feelings that weren't healthy for me to feel. I need one that is focused on me and my personal journey through MY life and not the lives of others or the lives that others feel I should be living. This is me and this is who I am. Right - Wrong - Or Indifferent. Through the course of this journal I will show everything from updates, pictures and even the occasional video diary if I feel the need.

Hope you all enjoy the new me!