Been Awhile....

The past month has been a true version of a roller coaster. Everything from realizing the true meaning of friendship, realizing that anything that needs to be done I can in fact do it, to realizing that the person I thought I was in love with was really a play on my emotions to use me for they needed and in fact I’m not sure they ever really had any true feelings for me at all. A lot of lessons I’m sure I’ve already learned before but yet alas I must learn them again and I’m sure I’ll still learn them another time. The human body and brain is just amazing…it’s really truly amazing what we can talk ourselves into and out of without even thinking twice, without any rational, and without any true thought to your own heart.
A few days after the breakup when I was still really struggling I found myself talking to a new friend. Someone who has become a great person in my life but has yet to learn my past history therefore I knew the judgment I was receiving was “pure” as to my life. The question I was asked was the following: “Is Your Relationship Really Worth Fighting For?” As I sat there and thought about it I could tell my answer wasn’t needed anymore because the silence that followed was my answer. It was my “Unanswered Prayer” – that silence bridged the gap between my heart and my head and made me realize that he wasn’t me. He wasn’t what I stood for and he wasn’t what I needed in my life to continue. He’s a great friend and I’m sure someday we will be back to that point but right now – I’m okay. I’m standing on my own feet and I’m getting sleep at night and I’m following the dreams that I’ve had since I was a child. I’m doing alone. I’m doing it alone so that I can prove to myself as well as be proud of my accomplishments. It takes two people to work on a problem and when one person doesn’t want to put the effort into saving it or working on it then it’s a lost cause and you just have to accept it and be okay with what it is for what it is. The truth is even if we stayed together or got back together things wouldn’t have been the same because the damage had already been done.
“You deserve to be happy, no one person has the power to make or take your happiness. Only you control your happiness.”

I spent a lot of time getting back to me. Remember who I was and what I stood for and that required sometime in the library, a place I love and lose track of time in but rarely spend time at. While I was there I picked up a book with an article “When Fear Runs Your Life”. The article dealt with Anxiety and Fear and I realized that even though they talked about specific examples…I had examples of my own so I made a list of my own fears to learn from and build from. Here is an excerpt from the article “Fear is real when there is real danger, but most fears are created from within. One may have had a nervous reaction to a certain stimulus, event or action, which creates the fear. Fears are created when you cannot let go of the past response and the thoughts surrounding them.” It’s a very true statement. I’ve constantly lived my life in fear. Fear of letting those close to me down, fear of letting myself down, fear of letting someone (anyone) that is dependent on me down. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t good enough and that I couldn’t do things that everyone else can…and as I thought there reading this article I realized how much that impacts my life in so many different ways. How you perceive yourself in society directly reflects how you perceive yourself at home and heart. My relationships are built on how I see myself looking in a mirror but not what is actually there. They are built on what I think they want from me and not on whom I really am. I’ve always felt a bit like silly putty….I just molds into whatever people need me to be. I never say my true feelings, I never get into arguments that mean anything and I don’t stand up for what in my heart I truly believe as to not go against what people are talking about. Another excerpt from the article: “Everyone on this Earth has the same opportunities as one another. There is not one person better than the other. There are differences in people and the choices they make, but more importantly, Attitudes are different. We are all equal. Even the most successful people have fear, but they did not let fear run their lives in a destructive way, they actually have accepted fears along the way and worked to prove them wrong. We all can do the same.” I have chosen to no longer let fear run my life. I’ve welcomed it and accepted it and have decided to use it to prove MYSELF wrong. Once I start doing that everything else will fall into place.
It’s an amazing feeling really to finally be able to breath and lift off that rock that’s been sitting on your chest you didn’t even know was there because you couldn’t see past it so you didn’t know what you were missing. It’s amazing to wake up and look outside and realize that it’s your home. It’s your life. It’s your destiny and you have the power to choose what you are going to do with it!